Discipline is doing what needs to be done, even if you don’t want to do it.
Whoever said it, was absolutely right!
Discipline is perhaps the most important, yet misunderstood, word in a parent’s dictionary. While all parents would agree that their children need discipline, they may have conflicts about the methods used to discipline the child. In this article, we are going to discuss the importance of discipline in children and the best methods to achieve that.
But first, let us understand what discipline is.
Discipline: Is It Punishment?
What is the first thing you associate with the word discipline?
Punishment? Spanking? Positive reinforcement? Authority?
None of the above options is wrong. Discipline is a practice of training or teaching a person to obey or follow a code of conduct or behavior through punishment, behavior modification techniques, positive reinforcement, or show of authority. In short, discipline is a way of getting the child to do what he or she is expected to do by guiding them.
However, the methods or techniques used to discipline a child vary from parent to parent. For most parents, discipline may mean punishments in the form of time-outs, taking away privileges, setting boundaries such as grounding, or even physical punishment such as spanking. For some, it could mean having an open chat with the child to set expectations and consequences, positive reinforcement, or using logical reasoning to get things done.
While some of these methods are efficient and enable the child to lead a happy and fruitful life, others can turn the child into a rebel, who loathes authority and order. So, how can you be a good disciplinarian?
Keep reading to find out.
How To Be A Good Disciplinarian?
Being a disciplinarian is not easy. It takes a lot of patience, love, and skill to instill discipline in children.
1. Be clear on your expectations
How do you want the child to respond to a question you ask? How do you want the child to behave in front of guests or a public place? What do you mean when you say that you want to discipline children?
If you do not have answers to these questions and are not clear about what you expect the child to say or do, then how can the child to know how to behave? A good disciplinarian has clear expectations and is also able to explain the same to the children.
2. Be reasonable
Be practical when you set expectations and keep in mind that nobody is perfect. Set specific, realistic, and limited goals that your child can actually achieve. When you throw expectations that are too difficult to meet, your child might just give up and do what’s easy.
3. Be consistent
Breaking the rules every once in a while, because it is convenient for you, is easy. Implementing the rules to the ‘T’ each time is not. By choosing the easy option, you are demonstrating that it is okay to break the rules once in a while. But by being consistent, you are emphasizing the importance of being disciplined and the need to behave or speak in a particular manner.
Be consistent at all times and all places. Even if you are in a public place, the child will have to deal with the consequences. Any lax in implementing your disciplinary methods, your child may find a way to evade them. That said, do not enforce military discipline or do anything that could humiliate or embarrass the child.
If you are not consistent, your child might probably think, “My mom/ dad doesn’t follow the rules all the time, why should I?”
4. Don’t be an authoritarian parent
As the parent, you are the authority in the house. You could choose to be authoritarian or authoritative. What’s the difference?
An authoritarian parent has the “because I told you so” attitude and expects the child to do something without providing any explanation. Authoritarian parenting does not consider the child’s point of view and is usually degrading. Growing children want to be respected and do not appreciate such treatment. So being an authoritarian parent is a bad idea.
Unlike an authoritarian parent, an authoritative parent carefully sets the expectations and boundaries, is a good role model, and often praises the child for good behavior. To earn the child’s respect and make him listen to what you have to say, be respectful of the child and his point of view.
When you are talking to your child, be there a 100%. Stop whatever you are doing, put your phone away, and face the child. Only when you do that will the child understand that whatever you are going to tell him is important.
Your child is more likely to listen to you or adhere to the rules when he feels emotionally connected to you. Your child needs empathy, not sympathy. Be empathetic and try to understand what your child is going through. When you respond to your child from a place of understanding, your child will feel understood and be willing to listen to you.
6. Keep the conversation open
Do not make statements that shut down the conversations with the child. If the child says, “I hate them! I am not going back to their house!”, do not respond with an “I said you’ll go and that’s final.”
Instead, be empathetic and say “Boy, you really hate them! But why?” to continue the conversation and understand the reason behind the child’s behavior. When you know what’s causing a particular behavior, correcting would become easier.
7. Use mistakes as opportunities to teach
Use the child’s mistakes as an opportunity to teach them something new, to be better as individuals. Avoid the urge to react when they say or do something wrong. Try to stay calm, as hard as it can be, and make them understand that what they did or said was wrong. Once you point out the mistakes subtly, tell them how to correct them.
To sum it up, a good disciplinarian is one who sets clear expectations, is a good role model, allows the children to choose, and gives the freedom to grow while setting boundaries to keep them safe. But how far can you go in setting boundaries? Should children be disciplined by physical punishment?
Punishment And Discipline Are Not The Same
Is punishment one of the words that come to your mind when you talk about discipline? If yes, you are not alone. A lot of parents grew up thinking that punishing the child, either physically or mentally, is the only way to discipline him.
But here are the reasons why punishment is not the right way to discipline a child:
- The word discipline is derived from Latin ’disciplina’, which means ‘instruction’ or ’knowledge’. Discipline is about guiding and teaching the child good behavior, while punishment is used as penalty to control the child through fear.
- While punishment may control certain behaviors in children, it instills the idea that they are not responsible for how they behave.
- Humiliating or embarrassing punishments can cause long-term psychological damage to the child.
- Physical punishment such as spanking can lead to aggressive behavior in children. Children subjected to physical punishments are also at a greater risk of mental health problems, physical injury, and developing antisocial behavior.Punishments can turn into abuse without your knowledge and cause long-term psychological damage to the children.
A child, who is often ‘punished’, begins to believe that it is someone else’s responsibility to correct their mistakes. They are always looking for someone to point out their ‘bad’ behavior and punish them for that.
Remember – there are no bad children, only bad behavior. Your aim is not to hurt the child, but to correct the behavior.
Efficient Methods Of Discipline
Discipline aims at teaching the child to differentiate between acceptable and unacceptable behaviors, even though they could be subjective. The idea is to teach the child to adhere to a moral code of conduct and lead a healthy and happy life without harming other people. In this section, we discuss the different forms of discipline, keeping in mind the child’s age.
Ages three to five
Children aged three or above can understand and follow instructions. They can also make a connection between their actions and the result. This is also the age when they like to do their own thing, which makes it necessary to teach them about boundaries. Here are a few effective ways to discipline your child without punishing them.
1. Positive Discipline
As the name says it, positive discipline for children focuses on what is right with the kid rather than what is wrong. The idea is to shift the child’s focus from what is negative to what is positive just by emphasizing only on what needs to be done. This works excellently with younger kids who can be conditioned.
2. Guide The Child
Young children do not know right from wrong. They need to be taught about public behavior, talking to new people or guests at home, manners, and communication skills. So be clear and give them simple instructions that they can understand and follow. Guide the child to differentiate between what is acceptable and what is not.
And the best way to do this is to be a role model. Do what is right and behave how you would want the child to act. That means saying “sorry, thank you, excuse me, and please”. This is also the age when they can learn to say “I’m angry”, or “I’m hungry”, and even “I love you”.
3. Reward-Based Discipline
Conditioning works best when children are too young to understand logic and explanation. Use of punishment is a common way of conditioning someone to behave in a particular manner. When you use punishment, you focus on the negative.
Reward based discipline concentrates on the positives, or what the child should do. However, rewards should be given out carefully, lest they become bribes. When you reward the child for every little thing, every time, they will not be motivated to do the right thing when there is no reward.
One way to prevent that is to teach the child that rewards needn’t always be tangible. It could be a word or praise or even how the child feels. For example, a good feeling or feeling of happiness is the reward in itself when they help someone (like a sibling or even a parent).
4. Cooling Periods
Disciplining a stubborn child, who is used to throwing tantrums to get her way, is not an easy task. Children who throw tantrums or scream are usually furious and frustrated and let it out in the form of tantrums. Reprimanding them or trying to get them to do the right thing can turn the interaction into a power struggle and make matters worse.
When the child refuses to do as asked or throws a tantrum, give her a cooling period. Unlike a timeout, which is usually making the child stand in a corner facing the wall, a cooling period is letting the child sit in the comfort of her bed, amidst her favorite toys.
Once the child calms down, talk to her about why she should not or should behave in a certain manner.
Ages six to eight
At this age, children believe that their parents mean whatever they say. So if you are talking to them about consequences for bad behavior, make sure you get through with it. Avoid threatening them with huge, impractical punishments that you possibly cannot carry out.
5. Setting Rules And Boundaries
Children work better when they have a proper structure. Create one with well-defined boundaries to get efficient results. Keep the rules simple and clear, with consequences. That said, do not go overboard with the rules. Too many rules and restrictions can overwhelm the child and leave them confused. Have a few rules in place and be consistent with them.
6. Teach Them About Natural And Logical Consequences
An efficient way to discipline the child is to use consequences, which work if they occur naturally and can be explained to the child logically. Do not make up consequences for your convenience, for children are smart and can figure it out sooner than you know.
Natural consequences could be how the child feels about something. For instance, if the child lost a toy due to carelessness or if the toy broke because it was left in the cold or heat outside, don’t replace the toy immediately. Letting him deal with the sadness of losing the toy can make the kid understand the importance of taking care of things.
Logical consequences are not something you pick, but are directly related to bad behavior that should not be repeated, and usually depend on the behavior that needs to be rectified.
For example, if the child does not do his homework, he cannot watch TV or play the video game. If he leaves the toys outside after playing, he will not be allowed to play with them for a week (or a couple of days).
7. Gentle Discipline (Redirection)
Gentle discipline is a subtle technique that steers the child away from problems and provides alternatives. For example, if the child wants to play with an expensive gadget such as your mobile phone, gently redirect saying “You like to play with a mobile phone? Let’s go get your toy phone to play with instead”. This is verbal redirection.
If the child walks towards a hazardous object or place, you gently nudge him to a safer place through physical redirection. There is no pulling or spanking involved here. Just a gentle, loving touch with a verbal redirection such as “This side looks better for playing” or “That is too hot, come this way”, should do the trick and deviate the child from harm.
8. Emotion Coaching
Children act out through tantrums and other unacceptable behaviors such as hitting, biting, or screaming when they are unable to express their emotions verbally. This method of discipline focuses on teaching the child to identify and express their emotions in words, rather than acting on them. The idea is to tell children that it is okay to express their emotions verbally.
So the next time the child starts to throw things or hit you, stay calm and say “I know it makes you angry that you have to spend a lot of time on your math homework. How about we color a few pictures for some time now and try to solve the math problems after a while?”
Emotion coaching has five steps:
i. Be aware of your own emotions
ii. Empathize with the child, connect with him
iii. Listen to the child
iv. Name emotions: you can create a list of feeling or emotion words or get a poster of emotion faces
v. Find solutions or ways to deal with whatever is triggering that emotion
Ages nine to 12
Natural consequences can be used to discipline children of this age. Besides them, you can try the following disciplining techniques as well.
9. Cause And Effect: Help Them Learn From Their Mistakes
The consequences should be relevant and appropriate for their age. For example, if the child refuses to go to bed on time, let him stay up. The next day when he feels grumpy or sleepy, you can explain that he’s feeling that way because he didn’t sleep on time the previous night.
Here, you simply use the natural consequences to help them learn from their mistakes.
10. Provide Alternatives
When you just say ‘No’, your child may tend to become stubborn. No amount of logical reasoning will work when the child is trying to express his independence through his actions. Rather than insisting on one thing, come up with innovative alternatives that will make them cooperate.
When you give the child a choice, he wouldn’t have the option of saying ‘No!’. That said, give the child only two simple options, such that whatever he picks is the right choice.
For example, when the child is throwing a tantrum in a store for soda, you can say, “I’ll get you an apple juice or orange juice”. And make it clear that these are the only two choices he has. If he refuses and makes a fuss, don’t lose your cool. Just stay calm and repeat the options until your child gives up and picks one.
Ages 13 and up
Teenagers are not easily convinced. Logical or natural consequences may work to an extent. If not, you can try using these methods of discipline.
12. Take Away Privileges
When your teen breaks the rules, one of the consequences could be a loss of privileges. For instance, if the child breaks curfew and comes home late, he doesn’t get to use the car for the entire next week. Or you could take away their mobile phone.
The privilege you take away should be related to the bad behavior so that the child will think of the consequence before repeating the behavior.
Another way to discipline teenagers is through negotiation. As mentioned earlier, teens like to exercise their independence by making their own choices. When there is a conflict of interest between you and your child, negotiate an agreement. When kids get to participate in reaching an agreement, they’re more likely to stand by it.
The bottom line is that you cannot discipline a child if you don’t abide by the rules yourself. Whether your child is three or sixteen, he will look up to you for inspiration, ideas, and encouragement. For the best results, be more than just a good disciplinarian. Be a good role model for your child, such that they cannot come back and use your behavior as an excuse for their mistakes.
What method do you use to discipline your kids? Let us know in the comments section below.
This article was first published on Mom Function
Photo Courtesy: Parents Magazine Africa